May 24, 2012

50 Shades of A Real Mother

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The 50 Shades Trilogy, written by the previously unknown E.L. James, just reached the milestone of 10 million copies sold.  James wrote her books chronicling the anything-but-subtle sexual adventures of Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey, as a form of fan fiction for the Twilight series.

Twilight, at least the version I recall, was the odd melange of vampires, werewolves and teen angst, not BDSM.  In fact, I’m not entirely sure what that stands for – I think it’s my accounting firm.

But apparently it was the BSDM  Mommy Porn aspect of the book that got, and kept, women reading.  And then they started talking.  To their friends.  And the next thing you know, word-of-mouth sales landed the self-published James on the New York Times best seller list and a seven-figure book deal.  In the publishing world, it’s a true Cinderella story with a fetish for something other than a Jimmy Choo glass pump. [Read more...]

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May 18, 2012

Joy in Mudville

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Spring is in the air, the days are longer and the grass is green.  And that means it’s time for the annual rite of passage for parents known as t-ball.

This is the time for the 4 to 8 year-old set to learn how to throw, hit and catch.  So I felt duty-bound to sign up Older Boy when he was five.

I think participation is actually required by federal law.

After sitting on the sidelines that season, I decided it would be even more fun if we made it a family endeavor since Younger Boy was now old enough to play.  I thought being a t-ball coach would be a cinch, so I signed The Husband up.

Signing your spouse up for a volunteer commitment with a group of individuals who do not yet have all their permanent teeth is never a good idea.  But I persisted.

“Wouldn’t it be more fun than just sitting there?” I argued.  “And don’t worry about doing it all by yourself, I’ll help you. Besides, it’s just t-ball, how hard can it be?” [Read more...]

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May 15, 2012

Breaking the Law

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When I looked in my rearview mirror and saw flashing lights, I wasn’t concerned.  I did what law-abiding drivers do – I eased over to the side of the road so he could quickly proceed with pursuing a wily suspect.  My mind concocted scenes from CSI, The Wire and Law and Order.  Was it a jail break? Felony in progress?  As I waited for the cruiser to pass, I realized it hadn’t.  Another glance in the rearview revealed the spinning lights were sitting behind my truck.

The suspect was me.

When the officer got to my window, he asked, “Do you know why I pulled you over?”  “Yes, sir, I do,” I replied.  “Because Older Boy is not in the car with me telling me everything I’m doing wrong while operating a motor vehicle in the State of Montana.”

That’s not exactly what I said, but it would have been true. [Read more...]

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May 8, 2012

It’s All In The Planning

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Dear Older Boy and Younger Boy,

It’s hard to believe you’ll both be in high school next year.  People told me how fast this would happen.  I didn’t believe them.  Folks told me a lot of things back then.  But I’m glad no one offered me this child-rearing statistic – how much it would cost to raise you.  Because I never would’ve believed it.

In 1996, when you were born, Older Boy, the USDA projected a pre-college cost of $149,820 to raise you to age 18.  Two years later, the cost jumped to $156,690 for you, Younger Boy.

Now I’m becoming a believer.  Especially when I consider our monthly grocery budget since you two became teenagers.

I point out the money, not because I’m cutting you off when you reach your USDA limit.  Instead, I write because your Father and I want to discuss an important issue that involves matters of currency.  [Read more...]

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May 6, 2012

A Gift To You From A Real Mother

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With Mother’s Day fast approaching, this Real Mother would be remiss if she failed to embrace the spirit of giving.

So here’s the deal.

You can download a FREE copy (yes, really FREE) of A Real Mother: stumbling through motherhood for Kindle from May 6 through 10, 2012 at amazon.com .

There’s gotta be a catch, right?

Nope. It’s really free.

I’ll let you in on a little secret.  My first word wasn’t Mama or Dada.  It was free.

I’m not kidding.  You can ask my mother.

I love anything that’s free.  I’m hoping you do too.  So please download a copy.

If you download it and like it, please consider writing a review on the amazon.com page or at Goodreads (or both!)  Tell your friends.  Like A Real Mother on Facebook.  Become a follower of my blog or check back regularly and maybe leave a comment.  Use your imagination.  Whatever you can think of – I appreciate it.

You can read the pre-release reviews here. Readers at amazon.com had some nice things to say too.

Thanks for helping me get the word out about A Real Mother.  You may be A Real Mother, you might have A Real Mother and most likely, you know A Real Mother.  So please, spread the word.

And it’s free.  What do you have to lose?

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May 4, 2012

Maternal Instinct

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Some women are born to be mothers.  Then there’s me.  The tell-tale signs of my lack of maternal instincts started at a tender age.  While other girls fussed and cooed over their plastic baby dolls, I cut all the hair off mine and left it naked in the backyard in the rain for five days.

When it came time to enter the babysitting ranks, my mother lined me up with my very first job.

It was also my last.

I took my young charges to the park to spend a fun-filled afternoon. As far as I was concerned, we had a great time.  So imagine my surprise when I was not only fired, but forever banned from babysitting, by my very own mother.  She informed me that I exhibited less-than good judgment while taking care of her best friend’s children.

I was perplexed. [Read more...]

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May 3, 2012

A Real Mother Goes Digital

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After beating my head against the wall working for months getting the paperback version of A Real Mother ready for print, you’d think I’d be ready to have myself committed put my feet up, take a break and bask in the glow of finally finishing my book.

Think again.

Because formatting the print version was such a new and exciting challenge for me, I’ve always been a glutton for punishment,  I simply had to do more.  So I decided to take A Real Mother into the digital world.

I’d rather eat my own eyeballs than go through that again.

So I’m relieved delighted to announce the Kindle version of A Real Mother is now available at amazon.com.

Since I’m the Real Mother in Charge author, I made the decision to offer the ebook for the low, low price of 99¢  Because it makes no sense to me that digital books are not priced dramatically lower than those in print and I’d really like everyone on the planet to read it and, of course, love it.  Amazon Prime members can download it absolutely FREE.

Download your very own copy of A Real Mother today. I’ll send you the 99¢.  If you like it, please tell a friend.  If you snorted coffee out your nose while reading it, please tell me.     

How to start a book, how to make a book, writing tips, writing how to, i like to write, i love to write, daily writing tips, i write what i like, how to write well,

Of course, it should show A Real Mother on this Kindle.  But let me indulge briefly in a little harmless fantasy that the Kindle is showing The New York Times when A Real Mother is on the bestseller list.  A girl can dream big, right?

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May 1, 2012

A Funny Story About Funny Times

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Last month at my book signing at Country Bookshelf, a woman placed a copy of Funny Times next to my book.  ”Would you sign them both?” she asked.  ”Of course,” I told her (Little did she know, I would’ve signed her forehead if she wanted me to)  ”You must have had this a long time,” I said.  ”Oh no,” she replied, “it came in the mail today.”

Say what?

When I looked at the cover, it was the May 2012 issue.  I couldn’t think of a more fun way to find out about it.

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Apr 24, 2012

Minor Catastrophes Meets A Real Mother

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No, I’m not in the midst of a minor catastrophe (although I do seem to regularly experience them), I’m ON Minor Catastrophes, Megan Regnerus’ very funny blog about one mom, two dads, three boys and one very naughty dog.  Megan was kind enough to feature me in her Your Turn profile.  Stop by and say howdy.  Ms. Megan totally rocks.

WARNING: The lovely Megan makes me sound WAY cooler than I am.  If you see the photo from my youth on her blog . . . then you’ll know the truth.  I am not, nor will I ever be, cool.  

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Apr 21, 2012

Parenting Advice – It’s in the Stars

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 Being a member of the Parentally Challenged Tribe, I’m always looking for words of advice when it comes to motherhood.  When I want guidance on the how-tos of parenting, I know exactly where to look.  But it’s not Dr. Spock or Dr. Sears.  No, I seek my child-rearing wisdom from the Real Experts of Parenthood – Celebrity Parents.

And now it’s just a phone call away.

For 50 bucks, you can join Dial-a-Star.  After paying your membership fee, you can call up the true parenting authorities.  Don’t have kids yet?  Give Octomom, Nadya Suleman a jingle.  This unemployed single mother of 14 has plenty of free time to chat you up and offer fertility tips for $15 a minute.  Problems with a hard-to-handle teenager?  Give experts Dina Lohan ($25 a minute) or Big Daddy Lohan (only $18 per minute) a shout.  Because every parent wants a daughter just like Lindsay. [Read more...]

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