As I was reading the recent publication of the 64th Montana House of Representatives Legislative Session Dress Code, I have to admit, for a moment I thought it was a satire piece straight from the pages of The Onion. Then I realized the truth. This was no joke.
I laughed so hard my bonnet nearly fell off.
It seems that certain male members of the Montana State Legislature have worked their whitey-tighties into a knot.
Apparently they have a mighty big problem with the apparel of some of the females who enter the state house. Their specific concerns involve the revealing nature of the knee and chestal areas of female attire.
This stance, of course, begs the question: Who elected Ward Cleaver?
Jeanette Rankin just rolled over in her grave.
When you parse the words of this edict, it seems like a reasonable assumption that the fairer sex has routinely been distracting the men-folk from their elected duties. From the stern tone, clearly these Girls Gone Wild have been entering the chambers wearing necklines that are too low, hemlines that are too high, and heaven forbid, the ever-too revealing open-toe pump. These admonishments suggest that women have been strutting into the legislative session on the arm of David Lee Roth just before shimmying down a pole to the thumping beat of Walk This Way.
No doubt, flaunting their toe cleavage.
So female members of the house may no longer purchase clothing at Ann Taylor, Banana Republic or Jones New York. Instead, they would be prudent to enter chambers wearing the latest in Duggar-wear.
Our nation has seen the Women’s Rights Movement and Title XI. We’ve Come a Long Way, Baby, except on the Montana State House floor.
Somewhere in New York City, Gloria Steinem just threw up.
Much like the Skyview High School yoga pants debacle, this dress code assumes that the male species cannot control themselves enough to make critical decisions involving our state with the distractions of the opposite sex. Women must dress with appropriate decorum to allow men to think clearly so they can go about the important state business. Because the wanton display of cleavage interferes with critical state house business such as comparing pregnant women to unfinished barns and bovines. A few years ago, the legislator that made this disturbing analogy, Keith Regier, also supported a house bill that would have forbid nursing mothers from being excluded from jury duty. According to Keith, you can have ‘em, but don’t ask to get out of your civic duty because of ‘em.
But what do I know? I’m just a girl.
Since it’s impossible to consider both cleavage and an 85-mile-per-hour speed limit simultaneously, it is vital that we have a dress code.
But boys, a system like that must be fair and equitable.
So men of the legislature, here are few rules to level the playing field. Henceforth, all photos of Sarah Palin, including those sporting a patriotic bikini or holding an AK-47 (with or without Ted Nugent), may not be used as a screensaver. Likewise, residents of the State of Montana shall be immediately notified if any elected male official in this great state has watched any episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, Jersey Shore, or Cougar Town. Finally, no elected male official in the state shall ever view any video involving Beyonce. Ever.
Women of the State of Montana, thankfully, we have more going for us than our Miracle Bras.
Ladies, we have brains. Men, if you are wise, you won’t forget that.
It’s all so ridiculous. It makes me want to throw my very stylish hat right into the ring.