Experts say it takes three weeks to turn a new behavior into a habit. So if my past experience is a predictor, at two weeks into my New Year’s fitness regime I’m going to be, well, bored. Cardio intervals? Yawn. Core fitness? Zzzzzz. Eat less, exercise more? What-EVER.
Give me gimmicks. Give me fads. Give me a piece of exercise equipment I can hang wet laundry on when I’m tired of using it.
What can I say? I’m a sucker for lazy-woman fitness.
I’ve been enamored with useless home exercise equipment ever since I watched my grandmother unveil her newest apparatus. “You wrap this band around your hips,” she told me. “Then you flip this switch.” The machine began to agitate her body with such vigor, she looked like she was in California during The Big One. “I-I-I-I a-m-m-m e-xxxx-er-cisingggg!” she squealed over the din of the motor sounding like a post-menopausal Elmer Fudd on an infomercial. After being shaken by the machine for exactly three minutes, Grandma somehow managed to flip the switch off. The band around her hips went slack and fell behind her legs. “Whew, what a workout!” she said patting her forehead with a towel, although she hadn’t visibly broken a sweat.
If this was working out, then I could embrace fitness.
Since I sold my ThighMaster and Tae Bo tapes in a yard sale long ago, I began looking for exciting workout trends and equipment to keep my boredom at bay. Imagine the fun of a Cirque de Soleil Aerial Aerobics class where you shinny up beautiful pieces of cloth, a much hipper version of climbing the rope in gym class, and suspend yourself like a circus performer. Weight loss doesn’t occur from the strain of climbing, it happens after gravity wins and you’ve broken both arms. You won’t be able to feed yourself for at least a month.
Why not make even the most mundane task a workout? The Japanese have invented a nifty attachment so you can train while you talk – the Dumbbell Phone. The weight attaches to your phone giving you a bicep curl with every hello. Soon you’ll have one big Popeye-sized gun. The other bicep, sadly, will remain a pea shooter.
For adventurous souls, there’s Carmen Electra’s workout video, Aerobic Striptease. Not for prudes, Carmen’s electrifying workout utilizes the obvious fusion of yoga, ballet, striptease and pole dancing. Carmen, with the exception of Rihanna, is quite possibly the only woman alive who might participate in this class with the lights on.
One class that seems more appropriate for a solitary experience is the Wind Relieving Asana. That’s not a class, that’s over-sharing.
But then I stumbled upon the only piece of exercise equipment I’ll ever need. It’s brilliant. It’s unique. It’s tropical. It’s the Hawaii Chair. Their motto? “If you can sit, you can be fit.”
Well count me in.
That’s right, fitness without the possibility of broken limbs, being nekkid or over-sharing, the Hawaii Chair paves the path to achieving my workout goals – by just sitting on my asana.
According to the infomercial, you simply park your fanny in the Hawaii Chair, at home or the office, as the motorized seat rotates in a circular hula-like motion. In reality, sitting in the chair appears to be more like a ride on a deranged mechanical bull. The Hawaii Chair promises to strengthen your abs, improve circulation and promote weight loss.
I’m pretty sure if I use this chair I will lose one thing: my dignity.
The Hawaii Chair is real y’all. Even Ellen has one.
What’s your favorite fitness gimmick workout?
photo credit: 123rf.com
Denise Malloy 
I once had a friend who found a table that “jiggled” her fat away. I would like to say I’ve never seen her heavier. But I wish…….sigh.