a real mother

Jeans for Every Occasion. Seriously.


Ever since Jacob Davis and Levi Strauss invented them in 1873, workhorse blue jeans have been a part of the American landscape.  The advent of Lady Levis put them on the female fashion radar in 1934.  And we’ve had a love affair with all things denim ever since.

Although we adore our brands with a fierce loyalty, women have endured many incarnations of this iconic wardrobe staple.  We’ve paraded around with Gloria Vanderbilt, Calvin Klein and Jordache stamped on our derrieres. I’ve worn things that would warrant the Black Bar of Fashion Don’t Shame to hide my true identity when I donned trendy, less-than-flattering nightmares like jeggings (jean leggings), jorts (jean shorts) or that too-long denim skirt that made me bear an uncanny resemblance to Ma Ingalls.

In 1947, Wrangler introduced the “new jeans for cowboys.” But recently Wrangler made an inventive effort to reach out to the female consumer. And I bet their latest denim development has Jacob and Levi turning over in their graves – Wrangler Spa Denim Jeans – better known as moisturizing jeans.

So ladies, we need fear not when our cellulite riddled, winter legs look like a flaky dermis blizzard.  Because these slacks not only soften the skin but repair those hail damaged thighs.  Spa Jeans – “the soothing touch of nature, now available in jeans” – are sprayed with micro-capsules of moisturizers during the manufacturing process.  When you squeeze into them, friction causes the capsules to burst infusing your skin with the slow release of emollients and botanical extracts.

It’s like Jiffy Lube for your gams.

They come in an astonishing selection for your dermatological needs – Aloe Vera for sensitive skin, Olive Extract for dry skin, and Smooth Legs infused with active ingredients that fight unsightly dimpling.

But while these jeans are putting a dent in your booty cellulite, they’re putting a bigger dent elsewhere – your wallet.  Because they’re 160 bucks a pair.

However, for that price tag, rest assured these trousers have been clinically tested.  Experts say they really do live up to the hype – if you wear them 8 hours a day for 28 days.

Did I mention you can’t wash them?

At that point, you’re no longer wearing pants, you’re wearing a petri dish.

But it makes me wonder, will I leave a giant butt-er spot on the sofa like a well-greased couch potato if I’ve been vegging during a weekend Downton Abbey marathon?

Experts note that after 15 days of wear, the jeans begin to lose their skin softening properties.  They will, however, be able to stand in the corner when you finally peel them off.

But there’s a bottle of Reload Spray (sold separately) to restore your jeans to their original softening splendor.

A bottle of Jergens makes better economic sense.

But if jeans can deliver what women want transdermally, soft legs and cellulite repair are just the tip of the sales iceberg.

So Wrangler, listen up, give us more than soft skin, give us LifeStage Jeans.  It’s a marriage made in marketing heaven.

Loose-fit PMS Jeans infused with Godiva and Midol.

Starbucks Mom Jeans, for sleep-deprived new mothers, with time-released caffeine.

Celebrating? Don a pair of Veuve Clicquot Jeans.

Tormented by hot flashes?  Premarin Jorts now with Poise Cooling Gel.

Wrangler, you could even reinvigorate your male consumer base with Budweiser Jeans.

But honestly, Wrangler, you could make just one kind of jeans that would make every woman happy – jeans that never, ever shrink.

Jacob and Levi will be wishing they thought of it.


photo credit: 123 RF