a real mother

A Letter to My Hacker

Dear Sir,

We haven’t met personally, so normally I would take a moment to introduce myself.  Although I don’t know you, it’s clear you already know me.  In fact, you could say we’re almost like the same person.

That’s because you stole my identity, you Cyber Scum.

Now I’m racking my brain trying to figure out how you did it.  So I did a little research about how scoundrels like you operate.

I already knew about your phony phishing schemes.  Don’t think I’ll ever wire you money for the taxes to claim my big win in the foreign lottery.  You can’t fool me with your offers to Work-at-Home.

If you paid any attention, you Hack, you’d already know I do that.

I know better than to ever give money to a Prince from Nigeria, or anywhere else for that matter. Seriously, if you’re a Prince why are you e-mailing me for moola?  Surely you have better financial connections.

I will not give you my personal information to be a Mystery Shopper, seek your assistance for Debt Management or update my CitiBank account information (because I DON’T have one, you idiot).  I will never use my credit card to purchase your Miraculous Weight Loss products.  Cyber Goon, I have just one question for you – The Weight Loss products – do they really work?

Then I discovered there are Cyber Superstores for those of you involved in the fraudulent procurement of credit cards.  That’s right, there’s one-stop shopping for all your criminal needs.  You simply bought my credit card number online – with a credit card.

But not just anybody can shop there, I learned.

For you to enter the site, you had to have references.  To prevent any security breach, potential miscreants are required to produce verification from not one but two sources who will vouch for their nefarious behavior and evil intent.

You crooks really do have standards.

While waiting to be Deemed a Delinquent by your references, you probably spent a few moments perusing the advertisements for phishing tutorials and online hacking classes.  But after receiving your Criminal Seal of Approval, you were just moments away from racking up a few Platinum Card numbers – and mine – at bargain basement prices.

After a few clicks, Cyber Creep, you moved on to the next step.  You hooked up the MSR-206, a magnetic swipe card reader/writer, to your computer to create a readable card.  And voila, you had a new charge card.  Mine.

Then you took it on a shopping spree.

Cyber Thug, you might have gotten away with it – if you’d picked a shopping pattern that resembled mine.

And I thought you knew me.

Here’s what you bought, Delinquent Dumb One. A ZapTel $119.99 pre-paid airtime card.  $437.21 at the Savon Cigarette Factory Outlet.  Next stop, Wal-Mart where you, Criminal-in-Chief, spent $53.89, most likely on Zippos and PBR.  While the smokes didn’t set off the alarm bells at my bank, thankfully, the next stop did.

Fredericks of Hollywood.

If I end up on their mailing list, I’m not waiting for the police.  I’ll hunt you down myself.

In my imagination, Cyber Rat, you resemble Harry Potter’s sniveling Peter Pettigrew spending way too much time in a dark room hovering over a laptop. I almost feel sorry for you with your nicotine addiction and bad taste in women’s apparel.  When I find you, hopefully doing time as a Prisoner of Azkaban, I’ll drop off a box of NicoDerm patches, a copy of GQ and a Sharper Image catalogue.  But if you decide to place any orders, this time use your own credit card.

8 thoughts on “A Letter to My Hacker”

  1. Wow, quite the lame shopping spree if you ask me. At least the rat that stole ours had the decency to make three $75 phone calls to the Middle East before he was detected. These guys need better imaginations. A friend of mine recently told me, “If you’re going to rob a bank, why bother with the small bills, why not go for gold!” Of course he was referring to something else, but you get my drift! Nice post!

  2. Scum, indeed. I’ve had minor things happen with my debit card but thankfully was able to get it resolved before it got out of hand. Nothing like this! It’s pretty scary to think that even when we’re being careful we can still have this happen. It also makes you wonder what kind of people are who do this. You won’t get a real job, but you’ll spend time ripping other people off of THEIR hard earned money? Classy individuals, obviously.

    1. That’s what I always think about – if these people are able to do this (I’d hate to use the word clever here) then why don’t they take that knowledge and skill and GET A REAL JOB THAT MIGHT HAVE SOME BENEFIT TO SOCIETY??? Oh that’s right, they’re criminals.

  3. I had this happen last month…the idiots went to Bloomingdale’s twice in the same day and tried to go a third time and then we were notified. Not the smartest people on the planet! It makes you feel cheated and dirty and really angry, at least that’s how I felt.

  4. Excellent post! If these guys spent their energy doing something legitimate instead of something criminal, they would be much better off. I just stopped by from SITS to say hello. Hope you find time to do the same!

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