A Letter to My Hacker

Dear Sir,

We haven’t met personally, so normally I would take a moment to introduce myself.  Although I don’t know you, it’s clear you already know me.  In fact, you could say we’re almost like the same person.

That’s because you stole my identity, you Cyber Scum.

Now I’m racking my brain trying to figure out how you did it.  So I did a little research about how scoundrels like you operate.

I already knew about your phony phishing schemes.  Don’t think I’ll ever wire you money for the taxes to claim my big win in the foreign lottery.  You can’t fool me with your offers to Work-at-Home.

If you paid any attention, you Hack, you’d already know I do that.

I know better than to ever give money to a Prince from Nigeria, or anywhere else for that matter. Seriously, if you’re a Prince why are you e-mailing me for moola?  Surely you have better financial connections.

I will not give you my personal information to be a Mystery Shopper, seek your assistance for Debt Management or update my CitiBank account information (because I DON’T have one, you idiot).  I will never use my credit card to purchase your Miraculous Weight Loss products.  Cyber Goon, I have just one question for you – The Weight Loss products – do they really work?

Then I discovered there are Cyber Superstores for those of you involved in the fraudulent procurement of credit cards.  That’s right, there’s one-stop shopping for all your criminal needs.  You simply bought my credit card number online – with a credit card.

But not just anybody can shop there, I learned.

For you to enter the site, you had to have references.  To prevent any security breach, potential miscreants are required to produce verification from not one but two sources who will vouch for their nefarious behavior and evil intent.

You crooks really do have standards.

While waiting to be Deemed a Delinquent by your references, you probably spent a few moments perusing the advertisements for phishing tutorials and online hacking classes.  But after receiving your Criminal Seal of Approval, you were just moments away from racking up a few Platinum Card numbers – and mine – at bargain basement prices.

After a few clicks, Cyber Creep, you moved on to the next step.  You hooked up the MSR-206, a magnetic swipe card reader/writer, to your computer to create a readable card.  And voila, you had a new charge card.  Mine.

Then you took it on a shopping spree.

Cyber Thug, you might have gotten away with it – if you’d picked a shopping pattern that resembled mine.

And I thought you knew me.

Here’s what you bought, Delinquent Dumb One. A ZapTel $119.99 pre-paid airtime card.  $437.21 at the Savon Cigarette Factory Outlet.  Next stop, Wal-Mart where you, Criminal-in-Chief, spent $53.89, most likely on Zippos and PBR.  While the smokes didn’t set off the alarm bells at my bank, thankfully, the next stop did.

Fredericks of Hollywood.

If I end up on their mailing list, I’m not waiting for the police.  I’ll hunt you down myself.

In my imagination, Cyber Rat, you resemble Harry Potter’s sniveling Peter Pettigrew spending way too much time in a dark room hovering over a laptop. I almost feel sorry for you with your nicotine addiction and bad taste in women’s apparel.  When I find you, hopefully doing time as a Prisoner of Azkaban, I’ll drop off a box of NicoDerm patches, a copy of GQ and a Sharper Image catalogue.  But if you decide to place any orders, this time use your own credit card.