The Verdict on Junk Food

Trouble was brewing in the cereal aisle. And the one about to incur the wrath was me.  As my ‘tween and teenaged sons stood there, it was clear they were about to make their case with the tenacity of Perry Mason and Atticus Finch.  “See Mom, you were wrong!” Older Boy said shoving the box within an inch of my middle-aged eyes.  “Go ahead, read it.” Younger Boy then chimed in. “They’re GOOD for you,” he argued.  “It says so right on the box.”

My bad.

It was hard to argue with the good health claims emblazoned on the front of the Cocoa Krispies and Froot Loops boxes that my boys paraded in front of me like I was a Price is Right Showcase Contestant.  There they were – boxes of an immunity-boosting, fiber enhanced morning indulgence that I’d denied them based on my misguided beliefs.  And boy did I feel pretty stupid. All these years I’ve been making them eat real froot.

Since they were little guys, I operated under the apparent delusion that spinach, broccoli and bananas were the building blocks for healthy bodies.  Silly me.  Looks like I could have saved a bundle at the pediatrician’s office if I’d been offering them those little orbs of crunchy chocolate goodness from the time they sprouted choppers.  I probably could have by-passed all those annoying vaccinations if I’d jammed enough of it down their young pie holes.

So that got me thinking, why couldn’t we take better living through chemistry a step further with the marriage of junk food and pharmaceuticals?  It wouldn’t even be a shotgun wedding.  Seems the government fat cats anticipated this day would come when they created the bureaucracy known as the Food and Drug Administration.

Imagine the ease of a world where you could have Ambien Plus Bars for those sleepless nights.  Parents would appreciate having Special Keflex Cereal on hand for those nasty ear infections that inevitably occur after office hours.  Keep Xanax Fruit-Flavored Roll Ups in the candy dish in your office.  Make the teacher happy and send junior off for a great day at school with a handful of Reece’s Ritalin Pieces.  Enjoy some guilt-free KFC Lipitor Hot Wings. Women could unsuspectingly slip their men Soft Batch Viagra Chip cookies.

Talk about a Happy Meal.

So I only had to deliberate for a moment.  I delivered the verdict and my boys triumphantly threw the cereal formerly known as junk food into the cart.  And who am I to argue? Because the day I see Premarin Pop-Tarts “Now with Botox!” you can bet I’m filling the cart.

Comments

  1. LOL Great post, cracked me up. Those darn cereals and their advertising claims, my boy can’t read cereal boxes yet, thank goodness!

    Thanks for visiting my blog today :)

  2. You are my hero! We are only mildly healthy…everything in moderation!

  3. Haha! I would love to have Xanax fruit snacks in my desk…and that probably isn’t too far fetched!

  4. Loved your post!! :) Laughed out loud at the word “pie-hole” LOL :)

  5. I love you, you are my kinda woman….you bought back so many memories of my CALM (yeh right) discussions in supermarket aisles about rubbish. Recently, (and I’m sure in a moment of dissociative delusion) a few of my kids, oops young adult children, were actually thanking me for this…as they do not have weight battles like many of their friends. I smiled…a mad kinda smile, thinking of the next time they go searching the pantry and find little of interest and turn on me like vampires!!!!! :) I’m now following you. Thks PS wish I could tell you it gets better, nah it just gets different…its not the rubbish it’s then the booze and trying to get them to monitor their intake. Ahhh motherhood!

    • That’s the funny thing, every time you finally “get” the current stage and start to relax – they outgrow it. The bumpersticker for moms should be: Motherhood: hang on for the ride.

      • yes or Don’t give up yet it only gets worse :)
        or And you think it’s bad now….
        but whatever the bumpersticker, we should also add
        “just love the little buggers and wouldn’t be without them”

  6. We have so much cereal in our cupboard. I hate the stuff. My six year old practically refuses to eat anything else, like he’s the junior Jerry Seinfeld. But I figure we ate it at as kids and survived. If there’s a grain of multi grain in there, it’s a good thing.

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