Yesterday was my baby’s last day of elementary school. Hard to believe that after eight years of walking those halls that smelled of crayons, tablet paper and library books, I never have a reason to go there again. Although I’ve never been a Dwell in the Past Person, it made me just a little wistful. So what’s a mom to do?
Embarrass the hell out of him, of course.
Each year, the school holds a ceremony for the departing fifth graders. Even though I didn’t attend the planning meeting, the committee asked me to write a song (hello, I’m a column writer thankyouverymuch). “Just a little something funny, you do funny, right?” Well, I sure try.
After thinking about it, I decided I could write a funny song – a rap. Because, of course, what would be funnier than a bunch of middle-aged moms trying to act like Snoop Dog and friends. Thus begins my career as a Rapper Mom, or Ms. D as one of the moms renamed me. And the kids didn’t have a clue.
A go-to group of moms was completely game for this little project. Not only were they game, they were frighteningly into it. In fact, for maximum embarrassment, I recruited all of the fifth grade moms (only had about twelve takers though) to join us on stage.
The teacher set it up for us as a serious “presentation” and then I introduced it, not yet in costume. And as I’m sure always happens with just such stage events, there were glitches. Like the HUGE screen that blocked the stage not going up (we’d practiced bustin our moves like we’d have the whole stage and the other moms behind us). And in a fit of complete anxiety, not only did I manage to turn off the keyboard with my preprogrammed rhythms but turned it back on with the WRONG beat entirely – but close enough where it didn’t matter. But thankfully no one experienced a wardrobe malfunction like Janet Jackson in our little production. Talk about scarred for life.
So, yo yo fifth grade moms, this is a shout out to all of you real mothers out there whose kids will go into middle school with the knowledge that their mother can, and will, embarrass them if necessary.