Being a member of the Parentally Challenged Tribe, I’m always looking for words of advice when it comes to motherhood. When I want guidance on the how-tos of parenting, I know exactly where to look. But it’s not Dr. Spock or Dr. Sears. No, I seek my child-rearing wisdom from the Real Experts of Parenthood – Celebrity Parents.
And now it’s just a phone call away.
For 50 bucks, you can join Dial-a-Star. After paying your membership fee, you can call up the true parenting authorities. Don’t have kids yet? Give Octomom, Nadya Suleman a jingle. This unemployed single mother of 14 has plenty of free time to chat you up and offer fertility tips for $15 a minute. Problems with a hard-to-handle teenager? Give experts Dina Lohan ($25 a minute) or Big Daddy Lohan (only $18 per minute) a shout. Because every parent wants a daughter just like Lindsay.
But Dial-a-Star, why aren’t you recruiting? Who better to dispense Jersey Shorelicious maternal guidance than Snooki? Because she displayed a level of wisdom clearly beyond her years.
The 18-week-pregnant Snooki is practicing motherhood-to-be by carrying around a doll. I’m sure every current parent would agree – this creative practice portrays an extraordinarily accurate representation of real-life with a new baby. Except that saving for college part.
Snooki should also offer maternity fashion tips. Because even with a nine months baby bump, Snooki will insist you can still be a hottie in the always-tasteful 6-inch pink wedge heels and white hot pants.
Dial-a-Star, please, please, please get Alicia Silverstone in the line-up. Because once Snooki preps new moms, Alicia espouses better theories than that know-it-all treatise, What To Expect The First Year. Alicia encourages the new mom to feed her nestling like a just-hatched bird- the Premastication way – by chewing up food and spitting it into baby’s mouth.
Might explain why she starred in Clueless.
But no more annoying little baby food jars. Never worry again about cleaning that blender or food processor after making junior’s lunch. Just chew, spit and you’re done. Not even a second plate to wash. Brilliant!
Dial-a-Star, let’s not forget January Jones who can help new moms get their postpartum groove back the natural way. The miracle cure – capsules made from your own dehydrated placenta. According to January, these earthy pills increase energy and lactation, restore hormonal balance and hopefully, suppress the gag reflex. For an additional fee, Dial-a-Star will send Alicia Silverstone to your house to chew the pills up and spit them in your mouth.
Parents could also use Mayim Bialik’s lactation guidance. Even though Mayim’s oldest son can order the chicken nuggets off the kiddie menu, she has no plans to retire her nursing bra. Which could make for some awkward moments at his junior prom.
Jenny McCarthy’s advice to parents of pre-teens is indispensible, Dial-a-Star. Because setting boundaries is essential when it comes to that impressionable age group. So what better way to establish appropriate boundaries than by taking your 9-year-old son to the Playboy Mansion for the annual Easter egg hunt? It’s no surprise that Jenny reports her son loved his visit. Because where there are Easter eggs, you’ll always find a Bunny.
Finally, Dial-a-Star, please add Christina Applegate even though her advice sounds a little nutty. Although though her baby is 14-months-old, Christina does it anyway – wears her maternity jeans because they’re comfy.
I told you it’s crazy.
But then again, I’m not so sure. I’m going to call Dina and see what she thinks.
Denise Malloy 